04/19/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18312
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this.”
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic.
Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
“I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst,” the bartender said.
“My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.”
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left.
The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back.
“Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
“I certainly did,” the man said.
“I’ve been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week.”
He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
“The Doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.” He sputtered.
“On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me a world of good.”
“But you threw the wine in my face again!” The bartender exclaimed.
“Yes.” The man replied.
“But it doesn’t embarrass me any- more!”
04/18/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18309
The party’s host paid great compliment to a lady.
You are a good-looking woman
He continued.
Honest, I’ve had only one beer.
Her glow was only slightly dimmed when her husband interjected,
Imagine how great she’ll look after two.
04/17/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18306
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck’s house and said,
“Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Chuck said, “OK, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Chuck said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.”
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?”
Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn‘t anyone complain?”
Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”
04/16/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18301
An old farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
As he approached, the ticket agent asked,
“Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said,
“That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”
“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent.
“We can’t allow animals in the theater.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls.
Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge,” whispered Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.
“He undid his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.
“Eh, don’t worry about it,” said Marge.
“At our age we’ve seen ’em all.”
“I thought so too,” said Mildred,
“but this one’s eating my popcorn!”
04/15/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18298
A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog:
The dog finally died, and Patrick went to the parish priest, saying.
“Father, my dog died. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?”
Father Murphy told the farmer.
“No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road and no telling what they believe in, but maybe
they’ll do something for the animal.”
Patrick said.
“I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think €5,000 is enough to donate to the service?”
Father Murphy exclaimed.
“Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”