Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law.

One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.

In a worried state, she awakens her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

“Quick, darling,” the wife shouts frantically, “Do something!”

“Oh, no,” the husband says,

“That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!”

A delightful, angelic little boy Johnny was waiting for his mom outside the ladies’ room of the gas station:

A man approached him and asked.

“Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little Johnny cheerily replied.

“Sure, mister! Just go down this street two blocks and turn left. It’s on the right. You can’t miss it.”

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said.

“I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday I’ll show you how to get to Heaven!”

The little Johnny replied with a chuckle.

“You’re sh*tting me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office!”

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.

As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said,

“I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”

“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

“They were smoking m@riju!!!na?”

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What else?”

The monkey motioned “kissing.”

“They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked. “

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What were you doing during all this?”

“Driving” motioned the monkey.

The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the Store to where the Pharmacists Counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said:

Yes! Could you please taste this for me?”

Being I’m a Senior Citizen, I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.

He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked:

Now, does that taste sweet to you?”

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled:

HELL NO!!!”

So I said:

Oh thank God! That’s such a relief!

My Doctor told me to get a Pharmacist to test my Urine for sugar!”

A couple had their first baby.

After a week or so the mother thought she could use a break and went shopping leaving the little baby with the proud father.

It was only a short while before the baby started to cry.

The perplexed father tried all of the tricks that he remembered his wife doing but to no avail.

Finally after a half hour in desperation he went to the doctor.

After checking all of the regular things the doctor discovered it was just a dirty diaper.

“I don’t understand the perplexed father said “I knew it was dirty, but the diaper package said specifically that it was good up to 8 pounds!”