04/14/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18295
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says:
“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks: “And what are those?”
The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look:
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
04/13/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18292
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination is over, he says,
“Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor,
“You’re just lazy.”
The man nods.
“Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
04/12/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18289
Morris an old man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
“How much do they cost?” he asked the salesperson.
“That depends,” he said. “They run from $2.00 to $2,000.”
“Let’s see the $2.00 model,” said Morris the miser.
The salesperson put the device around Morris’ neck.
“You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructed.
“How does it work?” , asked Morris.
“For $2.00 it doesn’t work,” the salesperson replied. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder.”
04/11/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18286
A horse in in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat….
The donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”
The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.”
And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.”
He then ask the horse “Did you win anything?”
The horse replies
“Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”
They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks
“I really need to impress this guy…he done everything.”
So he goes out and buys a big picture of a Zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.
The horse arrives and says
“Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”
The donkey replies
“That’s me when I played for Juventus..”
04/10/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18283
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying.
She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We”re outta here!