Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic.

Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches.

The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry.

Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.

He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener.

Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food.

So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho.

Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise.

After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless,

“I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts, “We promised.”

Five more days pass.

Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.

He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.

She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry.

She knew what to do.

She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.

She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished.

He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,

“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said:

“‘Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

Two men at a bus stop started a conversation.

One of them keeps complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man says,

“You think you have family problems?”

Listen to my situation..

” A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.

Later, my dad married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.

Then my wife’s daughter, my stepmom, had a son. This boy was my half-brother ’cause he was my dad’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson.

That made me the grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom. My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife! “

AND YOU THINK YOU HAVE FAMILY PROBLEMS?”

The other guy fainted…

An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar

As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of

“When does life begin”.

The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.

The doctor looked at the priest funny and said,

“You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”

The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.

“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.

Yesterday I received a friend request from a young attractive guy, about 19-20 years old:

I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my FB friend.

So I accepted it. Then he started sending me private messages.

He called me beautiful. He asked my age.

I’m not a liar so I told him and reminded him I’m quite a bit his senior.

And I let him talk a bit cuz (truth be told) flattery ain’t all bad.

We kept chatting for a while and within a short time, he asked if we could talk about ‘ad####lt things’.

I said ok.

Then He said ‘thank you, babe, you start.”

So I did! I told him adult things like I have arthritis and my knees and how it hurts badly.

My back acts up when it is cold outside.

I explained that I have crazy insomnia. And I didn’t forget to tell him that I have a pacemaker.

And of course, I told him about the laxatives. Can’t forget that.

I also didn’t forget to tell him that I have good quality dentures

I was as honest as I could be about ‘AD@@@@@LT THINGS’ but I don’t understand why he blocked me!