05/09/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18377
A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in between them.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he’s allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he’s a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.
His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says
“Watch this. He tells Sniffer to ‘search’”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says:
“That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Say, that’s pretty neat.” replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “That man is carrying coc@@@@@@ine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
“I like it!” says his seatmate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to “search” again.
Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all
over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,
“What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replies,
“He just found a b000000m####!”
05/08/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18374
A frog hops into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday’
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
05/07/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18371
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says,
“Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks,
“Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains,
“He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman – every single time.”
The passenger remarked,
“There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified,
“ Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and
you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said,
“Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied,
“There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going,
“He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued,
“He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to
treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded:
“He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
𝐂𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐲: “𝐈 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐞𝐭 𝐅𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐤. 𝐇𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞.”
05/06/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18366
A Football team was on the field during practice,
when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach,
“we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go PAST Thanksgiving?”
05/05/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18363
A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
He shouted,
“Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Tum them now! We need more butter. They’re
going to stick! Careful. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget. Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him in amazement, “What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs.”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”