Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A burglar is stalking stealthily around the living room of the house he’s just broken into.

He jumps with fright when he suddenly hears a voice behind him saying

“Crook, beware, Jesus, watches you”

He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight into the direction the voice comes from and sees what indeed the voice had made him think once he was over his first fright: a parrot.

The bird repeats

“Crook, beware, Jesus watches you”The burglar walks up to the cage and asks “And what may your name be? The parrot answers “Coco.”

The burglar sniggers and says

“I’ve always found that a very stupid name for a parrot.”

The parrot answers

“Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Doberman.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are living in Florida and are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

“Are you the owner”?

The Pharmacist answers, “Yes”.

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication”?

Pharmacist: “Of course we do”.

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation”?

Pharmacist: “All kinds”.

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism”?

Pharmacist: “Definitely”.

Jacob: “How about suppositories”?

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s”?

Pharmacist: “Yes. a large variety; the works”.

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease”?

Pharmacist: “Absolutely”.

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion”?

Pharmacist: “We sure do”.

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes”?

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes”.

Jacob: ” Senior Citizen diapers?

Pharmacist: “Sure”.

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store for our Bridal Registry”.

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time,

The therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and ki$$$$$$ed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,

“This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

An Alabama sheriff went fishing on his day off.

As he sat on the riverbank, Little Johnny came walking by.

Spying a frog, Little Johnny grabbed it, took out his pocket knife and said:

“Frog, I’s gon cut yo’ legs off!”

Then he said,

“Frog, after I get don’ cuttin’ yo legs off, I’s gon’ stick this here Popsicle stick up yo’ rear end! And then, Frog …”

This was too much for the deputy.

He stood up, grabbed Little Johnny, and said,

“Look heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I’m gonna do to you!”

Little Johnny said,

“Frog, dis here’s yo’ lucky day, ’cause I’s gonna kiss yo’ a$$$$$$$.

A couple had been married for 40 years and he managed all of the money.

He told his wife that he did not ever want her to look inside the safe.

One day, when he was away her curiosity got the best of her and she looked into the safe and found $10,000 and three eggs.

When her husband returned home, she told him what she had done.

He said, “I told you never to look inside the safe!”

She answered, “Too bad, I did. But I don’t understand what the 3 eggs are doing in the safe.”

The husband said, “Well, to be perfectly honest, I put an egg in the safe every time I have an affair with another woman.”

The wife said, “I am not pleased about that but, then again, I suppose 3 times in 40 years is not all that bad.”

The man answered, “I should also tell you that when I get a dozen eggs, I sell them. That is where the money comes from.”