Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired.

He eventually makes his way over to the bear.

The bear immediately tells him,

“You look exhausted.”

“Yeah, it’s been a rough day,” says the bartender,

“What are you drinking?”

“I’ll have a glass of…” says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before adding “… scotch.”

“Why the long face?” asks the bartender.

“Don’t you mean “big pause”?” asks the bear.

“Yeah, sorry.” Sighs the Bartender.

“Like I said, it’s been a rough day.”

A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.

On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over.

One of the bees says,

“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”

It works until they run out of gas again.

The second bee steps up and says,

“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”

It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.

This time the squirrel chimes in and says,

“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”

But the man says,

“Don’t bother, she only runs on BP.”

Little Johnny: Hello Teacher, let me ask you a question.

Teacher: Okay.

Little Johnny: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher: You can’t it’s too big.

Little Johnny: Wrong. All you have to do is open the fridge and put it in there.

Teacher: Hm. Okay then.

Little Johnny: Let me ask you another question. How do put a Donkey inside that fridge?

Teacher: Easy you just open the door and put it in there.

Little Johnny: Wrong again. You have to take the Elephant out first then put the Donkey in the fridge.

Teacher: Uh okay.

Little Johnny: Next question. If a Lion had a birthday party and all the animals went to it, what animal is missing?

Teacher: All of them because the Lion eats them.

Little Johnny: Wrong, the Donkey is missing because he’s still in the fridge.

Teacher: Are you kidding me?

Little Johnny: Okay last question. If you’re at a River and crocodiles live in it, how do you get across?

Teacher: You build a boat and float across. If you try to swim across you will be eaten.

Little Johnny: Nope. All you have to do is swim across because all the animals went to Lion’s birthday party.

Teacher: Get out.

The car speed off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

“Good lord, mister,” he gasped,

“Are you drunk?”

Of course,” said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.

“What the hell do you think I am…

A STUNT DRIVER?”

Little Johnny had to take care of his baby sister while his mum and dad went shopping.

To pass the time he decided to go fishing and reluctantly took his little sister along.

“I’ll never do that again”, Little Johnny said to his mum, “I didn’t catch a thing”!

His mum said “Oh, next time I’m sure your little sister will be quiet and not frighten the fish away”.

Little Johnny said,

“It wasn’t that. She ate all the fxxxing bait”.