Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.

As he does so, a loud voice from above says,

“There are no fish down there.”

So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole. As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,

“There’s no fish down there.”

So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.

Once again the voice says,

“There’s no fish down there.”

The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,

“God, is that you?”

“No, you idiot,” says the voice.

“It’s the rink manager.”

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.

“All right, lets make this quick, I have things to do. Says the bored agent.

“What’s your talent?”

The man says,

“Its not me sir, its my dog — he talks!”

“Yeah, right,” says the agent.

“I don’t have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out.”

“No, wait,” says the man.

“I’ll prove it.”

He turns to the dog and asks,

“What do you normally find on top of a house?”

“Roof!” says the dog, wagging his tail.

“Listen, pal…” says the agent.

“Wait,” says the man,

“I’ll ask another question.”

He turns to the dog again and asks,

“How does sandpaper feel?”

“Rough!” exclaims the dog.

“Quit wasting my time and get out of here.” sighs the agent.

“One more chance,” pleads the man.

Turning to the dog again, he asks,

“Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?”

“Ruth!” barked the dog.

The man turns to the agent with a bright smile.

“Okay, that’s it!” says the agent.

He gets up and forces the man and the dog out the door.

Turning to the man, the dogs sighs and says:

“Joe Dimaggio?”

One day, a gentleman’s wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit,
so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot.

He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.

The two get to chatting and the friend suggests,

“Wanna grab a pint?”

To which the man replies,

“No, I should really be getting back, my wife’ll be pissed if I’m late for her dinner.”

So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand.

The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes,

“Oops! I’m 4 hours late for the darn dinner!”

So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.

As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence.

She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.

“Where the hell have you been?! You’re four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!”

The man, knowing he’s screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance.

Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare,

“Five feet more lads, we’re almost there!”

It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick,

The wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation.

The preacher wasn’t surprised at this.

“Just make it quick, Rick.” He sighs.

“Sure Father.” Said Rick.

He cleared his throat and addressed the audience:

“I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar,” he began.

“That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts.

At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker’s cause or keep it for myself.

“I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today.”he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye.

“Oh yea?” an old woman in the audience stood up,

“I dare you to do it again!”

Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:

“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”

She nodded her head and said,

You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”

“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.

Astonished, his wife replied,

“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”

He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,

“That’s precisely why…”