08/07/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18710
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says:
“You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands:
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies:
“I did … today I’m taking them to the beach!”
08/06/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18705
John and his wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know love,” she says,
“I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”
She turns to John and says,
“Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice. . . .
“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
08/05/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18700
Every Sunday afternoon a mother found a candy bar wrapper in her young son’s room.
She finally had to ask:
“Johnny, why do I find a candy bar wrapper in your room every Sunday after church?”
He answered by saying that God gave him the money and he used it to buy a candy bar.
The mother quickly replied.
“God gave it to you? How did this happen?”
“Well Mom, you give me a dollar to give to God.”
“So before church every Sunday I throw it up into the air. I figure if God wants it he’ll take it. If not, it will fall back down to me.”
08/04/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18697
A Man Walks Into a Bar, he leans over and says to the bartender,
“Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you’ve never seen it before?”
The bartender says, “Okay, but it had better be good.”
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano.
He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, “Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer.”
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender,
“Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?”
“If it’s as amazing as that hamster, then sure,” the bartender replies.
So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog.
He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says,
“What a performer! I’ll give you $500 for that frog.”
The first man says, “It’s a deal!” and sells the guy his frog.
The bartender shakes his head slowly. “Not that it’s any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog.
Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it.”
The man says, “Nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.”
08/03/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18694
3 young rats stopped at a bar in a rough neighborhood one night.
They got to talking and bragging about how tough each of them were.
One rat downs a shot of bourbon and slams the glass on the bar.
He turns to the other two and says when I see a trap, I lay on my back and set it off with my tail.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth.
I bench press it twenty time to work up an appetite then make off with the cheese.
The second rat orders up 2 shots of Tequila and drinks them both and slams the glasses down.
He turns to the other 2 and Oh yeah! When I see rat poison, I grab as much as I can and take it home.
I grind it up to a powder and put some in my coffee every morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of my day.
The first and second rat turn to the third one, like to say what do got?
The third rat drinks the rest of his beer and says I ain’t got time for this shit.
I got to get home to have Coffee Date with the Cat…..