Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone’s cow.

He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.

The priest forgave him in God’s name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.

The thief asks,

“Will you take the cow, then, Father?”

The priest says,

“No my son, I cannot accept.”

The confessor thief leaves.

Hours later, the priest clocks off and returns home.

Only to realize… his cow was missing.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s

sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part.

The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter.

In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping.

This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.

When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him,

“I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”

The dog owner looks at the dog and nods.

“I know, it really is weird,” he says,

“because he absolutely hated the book.”

A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings,

he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag.

Guy says “Smart Pills,”

his friend says

“Gimme one of them Smart Pills,”

then reaches in the bag without hesitating what his friend says and pops a handful of them in his mouth before his friend say something.

He looks at the guy and says

“These smart pills taste like uhghhhh,”

guy says

“You’re getting smarter already.”

Two turtles walk into a bar.

As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain.

The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says –

Go home and get the umbrella.

Small Turtle – I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.

Two hours pass…….

Big Turtle – Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.

As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says –

If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it,

Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

“Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?”

Susan responds,

“Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”