Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An elderly man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.

He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.

The doctor says,

‘well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a ladle and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub the fastest

way possible.’

The man says,

‘oh, I get it, the sane people use the bucket, since it’s the biggest?!’

The doctor replies,

‘no, sane people pull the plug! Would you like a window room with a view?!’

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says,

“Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow

you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,

“Mike–Mike.”

“Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again.

Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic,” says Mike.

“It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?

“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !!!”

Friends rock! heaven or he..

An old lady calls 911 late one night…

So an old lady calls 911 late one night.

The dispatcher answers

“911, what is your emergency?”

“There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed.”

“A breaking and entering? We’ll have an officer over in an hour.”

“An hour? But they won’t be here in an hour. They’re breaking and entering now.”

“Ma’am, no officers are available right now. We’ll send a squad car by in an hour.”

The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.

“911, what is your emergency?”

“I’m the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don’t have to send anyone. They are unconscious now something happens to them .”

Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard.

The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman’s statement.

“One other thing… I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?”

“And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available.”

There was an old lady who was very small

Her name was Reanne but everyone called her Re.

After a while Re died of old age and the whole town was dismayed.

Re was so small that her family didn’t bury her and instead later her to rest in a flower.

When the town folks came by to pay their respects they were surprised that instead of an old lady in the flower they saw a tiny baby looking around.

When the townsfolk asked the family they simply responded:

“That’s normal, that’s just Re in carnation”

A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.

As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers,

he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.

“Wait!” says the bartender.

“You drank so much beer. Wouldn’t it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?”

“Not for me,” says the pig.

“I’m the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.”