Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Little Johnny is back at school after the holidays.

After a few days,

his teacher calls up Little Johnny’s dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school.

His dad says to the teacher

“Hang on a minute, I had Johnny at home with me for 2 months and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved.”

A frail old man is put in to a care home by his family.

They visit him a few days later and as they are talking he starts leaning to the left.

A nurse quickly runs over and props him up straight.

A little while later he starts leaning to the right, again the nurse runs over and props him up again.

The family, impressed by the care he seems to be receiving then ask him how he likes the place, to which he replies,

“It’s quite nice but the only thing I don’t like is that they don’t let you fart”

One day two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14 came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money.

“Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left,” said the 12-year-old. “We told him we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros.”

“Then we followed the man,” said the other boy, “and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet.”

“That’s a truly awful behavior,” the mother replied. “You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession.”

The boys did what they were told and went to church to confess to the priest.

After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they now knew where the man worked.

Sarah’s parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend.

This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents.

Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass.

They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah.

At 8PM they hear that ring.

They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face.

He looks like he beats people for a living.

After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen.

“What the heck, Sarah?” asked her mother,

“Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!”

“You’ve got him all wrong,” said Sarah, irritated,

“he’s an incredibly nice and charitable guy.”

“What makes you say that?” asked her father.

“Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community

A businessman is driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs.

The farmer is taking one pig at a time, holding it up, letting it eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting it down before picking up another pig and letting it eat an apple.

The businessman pulls over, walks up to the farmer and he says,

“Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?”

And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says,

“What’s time to a pig?”