Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.

“What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked.

“Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied.

“Heard of what?”

“Herd of cows.” “Of course I’ve heard of cows.”

“No, a cow herd.”

“What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

He’d never been to church in his life:

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.

“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said.

“I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said.

“Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.

“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head.

“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site:

Paddy says to Murphy.

“I’m gonna have the day off,I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

“I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!”

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts!

“Paddy you’re mad, go home!”

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

“Where the hell are you going?” Asks the Foreman.

“I can’t work in the dark!” Says Murphy!

A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.

The owner of the farm shouted:

“Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”

The silence was deafening.

Suddenly, a man jumped into the water. He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed.

The owner announced:

“We have a winner!”

After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room.

The man tells his wife:

“I did not jump in myself, Someone pushed me!”

His wife smiled and said coldly:

“It was me!”

Moral of the story: Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push!

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend:

They hadn’t been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .

Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note… not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his Sister to Marks and Spencer’s and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality, leather gloves.

Paddy’s sister bought a Pair of Knickers for herself at the same time.

Marks and Spencer’s had a “Free Gift Wrap Offer” on as it was Xmas.

But the Shop Assistant mixed up the Two Items, the Sister got the Gloves and Paddy unknowingly, got the Knickers.

Good old Paddy, sent off his Gift Wrapped Present in a parcel with the following Letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I’ve noticed that you are not wearing any, when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my Sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from, showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her Ring, which helps keep it Clean. In fact she hasn’t needed to wash It, since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them, before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit, because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will Wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Patrick. *

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style. Is to wear them folded down, with a little bit of fur showing….