Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. “Sorry, buddy, but due to city

ordinances we don’t allow smoking in here. You’ll have to step outside to smoke.”

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the

floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. “Hey you two!” he shouts. “Stop making spectacles of yourselves!”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to

him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”.

The lion abruptly stops and says ” woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realises the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion

and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll

get him together”.

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realised what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea

and shouts “where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

An old lady dies and goes to Heaven

She is overjoyed as she was a devoted Catholic and going to Heaven was her life’s dream. Once there she is firstly greeted by God and

then she sets off to explore the Heaven (which is to be honest, based on how people are, quiet empty – think tumbleweeds in the prairie).

When the old lady gets hungry she finds God and asks where can she get some food. God takes her to a table where she finds bread,

peanut butter, jelly and a toaster. So God and the old lady sit and eat PBJ sandwiches.

As she looks down, past the edge of the Heaven, she sees that below in Hell they have a massive feast with many different barbecue

meats on the table. Nevertheless she is glad to be in Heaven and doesn’t say anything and finishes her PBJ.

Next time she gets hungry a similar thing happens; God invites her in, this time for butter and honey on toast, and as she looks down

she sees those in hell having a seafood feast with fish, scampi, prawns, oysters etc. Nevertheless she is just glad to be in Heaven and

keeps her thoughts to herself.

However, when a similar thing happens the third time she simply cannot keep quiet anymore and says to God: “I don’t want to be

ungrateful and I’m very thankful to be in Heaven, but why are we here having toast, while in Hell they have a different feast every time

I look down??”

“Well,” says God, “it’s not really worth the time to cook just for two.”

A woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband. While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.

The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the

strong smell of paint. Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his

surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.

Worried, he asks if she’s okay. She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to

prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house. When he asks why she’s wearing both coats, she confidently explains, “I read

the instructions on the paint can, and it said, ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”

A Cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink…Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he

was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it

above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like

to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened

in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”