11/29/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19376
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at a table with a tiny man playing a tiny piano.
“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.
The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants.
“Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.
After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamp and a genie pops out.
The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”
Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar.
“I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”
11/19/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19374
When a guy, known for causing trouble, walked in. He sat down, called me over, and said, “Give me a 21-year-old drink, please.”
I nodded, and a moment later, I handed him a drink. He took a sip, spat it out, and said, “I asked for a 21-year-old drink, and this is 18 years old!
Now give me a new one.”
A bit annoyed, I made him another 21-year-old drink. Once again, he took a sip, spat it out, and complained, “This is 10 years old! Are you kidding me? I’m not paying. Now get me a 21-year-old drink.”
I was getting frustrated, but I made him another drink. Sure enough, he sipped, spat it out, and started shouting.
This went on for a while until I finally had enough. I handed him another drink and said, “Sir, this one’s on the house, and I can guarantee it’s 21 years old.”
He took a sip, spat it out in disgust, and shouted, “What is this? It tastes like piss!”
I smiled and said, “Well, you asked for a 21-year-old drink, right? I’m 21.”
11/18/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19372
Artie was fed up with working tirelessly and getting nowhere. Watching Mafia guys strut around in sharp three-piece suits and flashy cars, he decided it was time to join their ranks.
He approached one of the mobsters and said, “I want to join the Mafia.”
The guy replied, “Ever killed someone for money?”
Artie shook his head. “No.”
“Well,” the mobster said, “you’re either born into the Mafia, or you’ve gotta kill someone for cash.”
Artie asked, “How much will you pay me?”
The guy laughed. “I’m not paying you anything.”
“Come on,” Artie pleaded, “just give me a dollar so I can qualify.”
The mobster thought for a moment and said, “Alright, here’s the deal. Kill someone, let me know, and if I see it in the morning paper, I’ll pay you a dollar.”
Overjoyed, Artie exclaimed, “Thank you, thank you!” and set off on his mission. He ended up at Ralphs Supermarket, where he spotted an elderly lady pushing a shopping cart. Figuring she’d lived a long life, he grabbed her by the neck and choked her to death.
Unfortunately for Artie, the store’s bag boy witnessed the whole thing and started chasing him. Realizing he couldn’t outrun the kid, Artie spun around and choked him too.
The next morning, the newspaper headline read: “ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPH’S!”
11/17/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19367
After being married for 25 years, a husband took a moment to look at his wife and said,
“Twenty-five years ago, we had a modest apartment, a simple car, and I slept on a sofa bed.
But every night, I had the company of a sexy 26-year-old blonde.
Now, we live in a beautiful house, drive a nice car, and sleep in a big bed, but I’m now with a 51-year-old woman.
It seems like you’re not holding up your end.”
She calmly replied, “Well, why don’t you go out and find a sexy 26-year-old blonde?
And when you do, I’ll make sure that once again, you’ll be back in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.”
11/16/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19363
One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can’t seem to keep a job.
Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home.
One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot.
He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food.
After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store.
In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off.
He turns off his phone so he won’t be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store.
His vital signs are fading; he’s unconscious and barely moving.
An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital.
He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical.
They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn’t pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door.
Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues.
Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door.
When he does, he reveals— the grim reaper.
He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. “Oh no! This always happens with identical twins”.
“What do you mean?” asks the dentist.
“Well… if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I’ve come to take him to the underworld.
I’m afraid his time on Earth has ended.
I’ll take my leave now.”
The dentist is noticeably upset.
He says “Wait! Isn’t there some way I can challenge you for my brother’s life?
After all, YOU made the mistake.
Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life.”
The grim reaper asks “What do you have in mind?”
The dentist thinks. “How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free.”
The grim reaper laughs. “I will beat you in any challenge.
What challenge do you propose?”
The dentist smiles. “I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide.”
“Very well” says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull.
It’s glistening.
He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes.
After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright.
The grim reaper grins. “You are foolish human.
But, you are entitled to your chance.”
The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman.
When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste.
He smiles.
It’s unbelievable.
The shine from the dentist’s teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper’s reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.
The winner is obvious.
The grim reaper hangs his head in shame.
“You win, human.
This time.
Your brother will live.”
He disappears in a puff of smoke.
At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital.
Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy.
Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings.
It’s his brother, the dentist.
He picks up. “Hey bro.
You’ll never believe what happened.
Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car.
They say I almost died.”
The dentist smiles on the phone and says.
“That’s interesting, bro.
Today you might say that I also had a brush with death.”