Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man bought several acres of wasteland and, within a year had turned it into a thriving produce farm. The local priest stopped by and complimented the man on his progress. Then he added, “Wonderous things can surely happen when man and God work together.” “Amen,” said the man, “but you should’ve seen the place when God was running it alone.”

grasshopper hops into a bar orders his drink bartender says hey!did you know they named a drink after you . grasshopper says really they have a drink named roger!

A farmer in Alabama was driving across a bridge in his pickup truck when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below.

The farmer stopped his truck, ran up to the man and said, “Hey, why are you doing this?” The man replied, “Well, I have nothing to live for.” The farmer replied, “Well, think of your wife and children!” The jumper replied, “I have no wife or children.”

“Well, then think of your mother and father!” The man replied, “Mom and Dad passed on many years back.” The Alabama man then said, “Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!”

The would-be jumper replied, “Who?” With that the farmer said, “Jump you damn Yankee, jump!”

New medical students were made to take an extremely difficult class in physics. One day the lecturer was discussing a particularly difficult concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we need to learn this stuff?” “To save lives,” the lecturer responded quickly and continued. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted. “It keeps idiots like you from graduating,” replied the lecturer. 

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.

Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: “You were drunk again last night!!!”

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied:
“Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” she said, “there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly….it’s all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!”