Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn’t want to spend a lot of money. “How much do they cost?” he asked the salesman.

“Anything from $2 to $2,000.”

“Can I see the $2 model?” said the customer.

The salesman put the device around the man’s neck, and said: “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket.”

“How does it work?” asked the customer.

“For $2, it doesn’t work,” said the salesman. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder.”

A preacher notorious for his lengthy sermons, watched as a man got up and left halfway through his message. The same man returned just before the finish.

Afterwards the preacher asked him where he had gone.

“I went to get a haircut,” said the man.

“Why didn’t you go before the service?” asked the preacher.

“I didn’t need one then!”

Where do ducks go to eat ?   QUACKERBARRELL

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

A Sunday school teacher was talking to her class of kindergarten students about Heaven. She said: “If I sell my house and my car and give all the money to poor people, will I go to Heaven?”

“No,” chorused the children.

“What if I quit my job and spend all my time helping orphans, then do I get to go to Heaven?”

“No,” answered the children in unison.

“Okay, so just how do I get to go to Heaven?”

One little boy shouted out: “You gotta be dead first.”