Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Sitting at the bar, glum Dave told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. “Yeah,” said Dave, “would you marry somebody who didn’t know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?” “No way,” the bartender said. “Well,” said Dave, “neither would my fiancé.”

A young man reported for his first day of work at a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the warehouse.” “But I’m a graduate,” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom- I’ll show you how.”

A poor man was poaching lobsters at the beach. A game wardon, his first day on the job, saw him and said: “I’m going to have to arrest you. Poaching is illegal.” “I’m not poaching lobsters.” the man said. “These are my pets. “I’m excercising them. I Throw them into the sea, then whistle, and they come back.”

“Show me,” the warden said in disbelief. The man threw the lobsters into the water and started to walk away. “Wait!” the warden shouted. “Don’t you have to whistle to call the lobsters back?” The man looked at the warden, paused, and said, “What lobsters?”

One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye. “Did you get hit by the same attacker?” his captain asked. “No, sir,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”

A man always wanted to go sky diving but was never able to gather the courage. He goes to the airport and inquires about what is involved in the jump. The manager explained the proceedure to him: “We are expert chute packers and have never had a failure. We take you up in the plane and tell you when to jump out. You pull the main chute ripcord. It always works but if it doesn’t, you pull the auxillary chute ripcord. You float softly to the ground and we will meet you in that truck over there.” The man decides to gofor it. The plane takes off and circles the airfield. He jumps out and the main chute fails. He pulls the second ripcord and that fails. He looks down towards the ground and says, “I bet that damned truck isn’t there either.”