Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A poor man was poaching lobsters at the beach. A game wardon, his first day on the job, saw him and said: “I’m going to have to arrest you. Poaching is illegal.” “I’m not poaching lobsters.” the man said. “These are my pets. “I’m excercising them. I Throw them into the sea, then whistle, and they come back.”

“Show me,” the warden said in disbelief. The man threw the lobsters into the water and started to walk away. “Wait!” the warden shouted. “Don’t you have to whistle to call the lobsters back?” The man looked at the warden, paused, and said, “What lobsters?”

One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye. “Did you get hit by the same attacker?” his captain asked. “No, sir,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”

A man always wanted to go sky diving but was never able to gather the courage. He goes to the airport and inquires about what is involved in the jump. The manager explained the proceedure to him: “We are expert chute packers and have never had a failure. We take you up in the plane and tell you when to jump out. You pull the main chute ripcord. It always works but if it doesn’t, you pull the auxillary chute ripcord. You float softly to the ground and we will meet you in that truck over there.” The man decides to gofor it. The plane takes off and circles the airfield. He jumps out and the main chute fails. He pulls the second ripcord and that fails. He looks down towards the ground and says, “I bet that damned truck isn’t there either.”

A man in his late 70s is at a pub with a friend of his, discussing their respective wives. “Mine still thinks she’s a young woman.” “If you want to know how young she is, you can try this little trick. When you get home, ask her what’s for dinner from several distances. Start at 30 feet, then 25 feet, then 20, and so on. The sooner she hears you, the younger she is.” So an hour later, the man arrives home and shouts, at a distance of 30 feet from his wife: “Honey, what’s for dinner?” No answer. He goes a bit closer. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer. He goes closer and asks again, no response… When he is finally in the doorway of the kitchen., about 5 feet away from his wife, he yells, “Honey, what’s for dinner?!” His wife turns around briskly and says, sounding irritated: “I’ve told you three times now, chicken and mushrooms!”

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of retirees when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which she gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch he asks her: “Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?” “We can’t chew them because we have no teeth,” she replies. “We just love the chocolate coating on them.”