Daily Joke: Jokes Library

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, ” I want to join the Mafia.”

The guy answers, ” You ever kill any one for money?”

Artie answers, “No.”

The guy says, ” Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money.”

So Artie says, ” How much will you pay me?”

The guy says, ” I’m not gonna pay you.”

Artie says, ” C’mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in.”

The guy says, ” Okay, I’ll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I’ll pay you a dollar.”

Artie says, ” Oh thank you, thank you!” and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she’s lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can’t out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, ” ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!”

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles as passed away.” The distressed woman wailed,” Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, ” replied the vet. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes. turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately snifffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$820?” she cried,”$820 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged,”I’m sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $820.”

Every time i go to weddings,my old aunts would poke me in the belly and cackle “your next”. They stopped when i started doing the same thing to them at funerals

Two brothers, 6 & 8 were discussing whether the words ‘hell’ & ‘ass’ were cuss words.

They both agreed that they were in the Bible and they didn’t believe they were bad words.

Let’s try it out on mom. The 8yr old went in the kitchen, his mom asked: “what would you like for breakfast dear, some waffles or bacon & eggs?”

He said: “What the hell, give me some cheerios”, and she smacked him across the face.

The 6yr old witnessed this and slowly entered the kitchen. His mom in a stern angry voice said: “And what do you want?”

He said: “You can bet your ass I’m not asking for cheerios”.