Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Bono is performing a concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” A few seconds later a voice from the front row pierces the silence: “Well stop clapping then!”

A young man excitedly tells his mother that he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Mom, I’m going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “OK, guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The one in the middle.” “That’s amazing, Mom. You’re right. How did you know?” His mother replied, “I don’t like her.”

A soldier was stationed abroad and received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read: “Dear Dave, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim.”

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Dave included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read: “Dear Kim, I’m so sorry but I can’t remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Dave.”

A couple had been married 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with her dress. She replied, “Silver.” At that point, her husband chimed in, “Yep, silver… to match her hair.” Shooting a glaring look at his bald spot, her friend shot back, “So I guess you’re going barefoot.”

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, “Will you buy booze?” The bum said, “No.” The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum said, “No.” Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”