Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.” The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.” The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.” The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.” Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well?” She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast size, 24-inch waist and 34-inch hips… When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God!”

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’ ‘Well, ‘he explained,’the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..’

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’ “Oh, certainly!’

Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.’ I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’ ‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically: “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

A pirate goes into a bar and the bartender says: “Long time since I’ve seen you, man, you look terrible.” The pirate says: “I feel fine.”

The bartender says: “Well, you didn’t have that wooden leg last time I saw you.” “Well, I got into a battle and a cannon ball hit me in the leg, but I’m ok.”

“Well, you didn’t have that hook on your arm either.” The pirate says: “Got in a sword fight and lost my hand.”

The bartender says: “What about the eye patch?” The pirate replies: “Well, a bunch of sea gulls flew over the boat and when I looked up one of them shit on my eye.” The bartender says: “How did that make you lose your eye?” The pirate replies: “It was the first day with the hook.”

A man walks into a bar and asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The bartender said: “Before you tell that joke look at the end of the bar. Those two ladies down there are a combined 450lbs and they are blonde professional wrestlers. Now look over to the door our bouncer is 6’8″ and is 385lbs and he’s blonde. As for myself, I am a retired marine and I’m blonde. Now are you sure you still want to tell that joke?” The man said: “That’s alright, I don’t wanna have to explain it 4 times.”