Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A drunk takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar,”Whose dog is tied up out front?” The drunk responds, “That’s my dog. Is there a problem officer?” “Well she’s in heat,” says the cop.” “Oh, she’ll be all right. It’s shady out there.” “That’s not what I mean. Your dog needs to be bred.” “I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She’s fine.” At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. “Listen buddy! You don’t seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog wants to mate.” “Oh, go right ahead officer, I’ve always wanted a police dog.”

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it. The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?” the man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.” The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?” The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?” The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.” A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, “I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? The man said, “Yes” and the Rabbi replies, “Take the poison.”

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. “Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh…can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered!”

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down……”

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his phone rang. Answering he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news there’s a driver going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful !” “Hun” he answered, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them “