Daily Joke: Jokes Library

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, “Going to a party?”

“Yeah, a costume party,” the man answers, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”

“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protests the bartender.

“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
 
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
 
His dad thought for a while and answered, ”Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”
 
”I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny.

”Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.
 
”Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ”OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of crap!”

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on friday nights with his buddys just to get some relief. After he came home she’d start right in on him again.

After several weeks went by, he came home early one friday night about 9:30. His wife asked him how come he was home early. He told her: “You need to pack your bags and go to Herb’s house, I lost you to him in the card game tonight.” His wife became furious and started to give him hell. She said: “Just how could you do such a thing!?” He replied: “It was the hardest thing I ever done…. I had to fold with four aces.”