Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. “Is this yours?” he asked. She said, “Yes, could you bring it up?” and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty, would you like to join me?” He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, “I’ve had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?” The man hesitated then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?” “No,” she replied, “only those who catch my eye.”

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don’t want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him “How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?” He replies “Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.” His father says “That’s fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?” Johnny answers “Well, so far, we’ve been lucky…”

Generous Electric, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?” The CEO said, “Wait right here.”

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

A married couple was having a conversation. The husband asked his wife: “If i ever win the lottery what would you do?” The wife’s respond was: “I would take half and leave you!” The husband said: “Well, your in luck – I won the lottery! So, here’s $6 and get outta here!”

Once there was a guy named Fred who was in the bathroom. He was sitting there doing his buisiness when some guy goes in the stall next to him.

All of a sudden he says: “Hi, sweetie. How was your day?” Fred was a little weirded out but, being polite, says: “Good.” Then he said: “Is everything going alright?” “Um, yea”, said Fred, now very uncomfortable. The man next to him then said: “Can I come over?” “No.” Fred was just trying to get out of the bathroom. “Why?” the man asked. “Because well, you..” Fred hastened to finish.

Then the guy said, irritated: “Honey I have to call you back. Some idiot in the next stall keeps answering all my questions!”