Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “,Daddy, what is sex?”,

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “,Why did you ask this question?”,

The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

Jon’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.”

Jon says, “I haven’t got the fingers.”

The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 2013. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

Jon says, “Well, shit, Doc, I couldn’t pick ‘em up.”

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. “Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about.” “Ok, first it’s round, plumb and red.” Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered “An apple.” “No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. “Is it a peach?” “No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking. Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically… the teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.. “A banana,” she says.. “No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.” Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Ok, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it.” “Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!” Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

“Here,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway.”

“Now,” she said, “if only I could find my parakeet.”

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to let it go.

“Would you like anything else?” the waiter inquires. “We have some very good roast beef today.” “Sounds good,” says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of roast beef, and his thumb is in the gravy. The customer is getting pissed now, but decides to hold his tongue.

“How about some hot apple pie?” asks the waiter. “Fine,” says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.

“Coffee?” asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain himself.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Every time you’ve come to the table you’ve had your thumb stuck in my food!” “I’ve got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place.” “Why don’t you just stick it up your ass?” “Where do you think I put it when I’m in the kitchen?”