Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded “When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision.”

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn’t stop sucking his thumb, he’d get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, “Ah, ha! I know what you’ve been doing!”

What do you call a Cow that has no Legs ?

Ground Beef

A guy and his buddy are getting trashed in a bar when the guy pukes on himself. he gets all upset and explains to his buddy that the last time he went out drinking he puked on himself and his wife got really mad at him.

“No problem” says the buddy “take a 20 dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket and tell your wife somebody you didn’t know puked on you and gave you 20 dollars for the cleaning.”

The two of them proceed to get drunker.

When the guy goes home his wife is, as expected, upset.

“You barfed all over yourself!” said the wife.

“No I have not, some guy puked on me and gave me 20 dollars to clean my shirt! and its right here in my pocket!”

The wife puts her hand in the guys shirt pocket and pulls out two 20 dollar bills.

“Hey, you have 40 dollars in your shirt pocket?!?! says the wife.

“Yeah, he crapped my pants too!”

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?      Two, but I don’t know how they got in there !