Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old man goes golfing every weekend.

His wife always complains about his going and leaving her alone.

So one weekend he says

“Why don’t you come with me and I’ll teach you how to play.”

She agrees and on the first hole, a par 4 with a dog leg, she asks

“ok, what do I do?”

He says “you see that flag way down there with that patch of green around it? You have to hit the ball on to that patch of

grass close to the flag.”

So she swings and hits an amazing drive.

The ball lands 3 feet from the hole.

The man says

“That was incredible! Great shot!”

His wife asks

“So what do I do now?” So he says,

“Well now you have to hit it into that hole.”

The wife says

“Well why didn’t you tell me that to begin with?”

About a year ago, 100 dead crows were found on the side of a motorway.

Upon investigation, The crows were found to have been hit by vehicles and were covered in specs of varying paint.

After further investigation, it was also found that the paint on the crows had two different types, one from trucks and one

from cars. 98% of the crows had been killed by trucks.

The researchers were baffled as to why such a large number of the crows had been killed by trucks.

After much deliberation, the researchers came to a conclusion.

When crows are feeding on roadkill, they will always have one crow on the lookout for any danger.

When they spot danger, they will shout

“CAH! CAH!”.

Unfortunately, crows can’t say

“Truck”

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”

Student: “Meat!” Teacher: “Very good!

Now what does the pig give you?”

Student: “Bacon!” Teacher: “Great!

And what does the fat cow give you?”

Student: “Homework!”

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies’ group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.

Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

“Thank you, I baked it myself.

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole.

They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.

Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!”

Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!”

Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”