Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot.

Not knowing what to do, she called 911. “You gotta help me find my parrot!”

The operator patiently replied, “We can’t help you with that, ma’am. This number only deals with emergencies.”

But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.

Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, “But you don’t understand! The only thing he says is, ‘Here, kitty, kitty!!!’”

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane.

10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette.

They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die.

No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, “I’ll get off.”

The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”

In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”
She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”

“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

Three guys are sitting in a sauna: a Mexican, an Asian, and a white guy.

The Mexican and white guy are showing off their new tech gadgets.

The white guy says, “Hey, look what I got: the new Google Glass!”

The Mexican & Asian say, “Wow, that’s nice, man.”

Then the Mexican guy says, “Check out my new cellphone; it’s a watch!”

The white guy and Asian say, “Very cool, dude.”

The Asian guy has nothing to show these guys, so he gets up and walks away naked to to the bathroom.

Then he comes back 5 minutes later from the bathroom still naked with paper hanging out of his butt crack.

The Mexican and white guy say, “Hey, you have something hanging out of your ass.”

The Asian guy says, “Oh look, I’m receiving a Fax!”

Two old men were discussing their ailments. The first man said, “I’m getting forgetful, I can’t even remember my own phone number.”

The second man replied, “I hear you. Last week, I forgot my own birthday.”

The first man said, “That’s not so bad.”

The second man responded, “You’re right. It was my wife’s birthday.”