Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space,

when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said,

“I was going to park there!”

The man was a real smart alec and he said,

“That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”

“Well, this really upset the lady, even more,

So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed straight into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and asked,

“What did you do that for?”

The little old lady smiled and told him,

“That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s3x, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”

Johnny was at school and the teacher said, “Someone use fascinate in a sentence.”

Sally answered, “The zoo was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence.”

Maria suggested, “I was fascinated at the zoo.”

Once again the teacher said, “No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence.”

Johnny said, “My sister has ten buttons on her sweater.”

Again the teacher said, “Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence.”

Johnny replied, “I know, but her chest are so big she can only fasten eight.”

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

“Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. ”

And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”