Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.”

The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.

When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, “Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,” his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.

The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, “I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?”

His mate said smiling, ‘Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!.” The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, “Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick.”

Three football teams (Arsnel, Liverpool, and Hartsfield) are flying from England across Egypt for a match in the Middle East. Their plane crashes in the desert and they survive.

After days of wandering, they are really hungry so when they come across a camel, the footballers decide to kill it and eat it.

The Liverpool team says, “Because we play for Liverpool, will we eat the liver.”

The Hartsfield players decide, “Because we play for Hartsfield, we will eat the heart.”

Arsnel says, “I think we might go hungry…”

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, -“Daddy’s private part connects with Mommy’s that’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s private part connect in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game.

Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

“I think so, too,” said Mabel.

“Let’s go!”

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse.

They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed.

Then came the second half.

When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

“I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.”

Three doctors are out geese-hunting.

A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun.

“I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese.”

Some more geese fly by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it.

“I’ll need some bloodwork to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first.”

Some more geese fly over.

The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky.

“What were those things, anyway?” he asks.