Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. The whole street could hear them screaming and yelling whenever they had a confrontation. The old man used to say: “I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

One night, he died suddenly, and was buried. His wife celebrated by heading straight to the local bar to party as if there was no tomorrow. To her dismay, the old man returned to life the day after, and really did manage to dig his way out of his grave.

Inevitably, they went back to arguing as they always had done.

A couple of years went by, and the man died once again. The old woman went out to celebrate, just as she had done the first time he died. The neighbors asked about whether he really would come and haunt her for the rest of her life this time round.

“I don’t think he’ll be climbing out this time,” she said. “I had the old fool buried upside down.”

A dear old man has been having trouble making love to his wife due to impotency.

He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He researched online, asked every online expert he could think of – to no avail.

He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says “I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.

The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems.

“I know just the thing,” she says, and hands him a potion. “Drink this. When you are ready, just say ‘one, two, three.’ Your problems will be solved. When you are finished, your partner must say, ‘one, two, three, four,’ and that will be that. You can only use this potion once every full moon.”

Excited to try this new remedy, he makes his way home in a haste.

That night, things are starting to get hot and heavy. He turns around and says “one, two three.” Just like that, he is hard as a rock, like he was 18 again. He faces his wife, ready to go.

Impressed, his wife stared at him and said, “Wow, that looks great. But what did you say ‘one, two, three,’ for?”

A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter, buries his face in the bag and pulls out a list and some money and, using his mouth, “hands” it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling “Grrrrr”.

The clerk says “fine fine” and adds in the $10 he was trying to shortchange the dog with.

The dog puts everything back in the bag and saunters off.

The man thinks this is very interesting and decides to follow the dog to see what else it will do.

He watches the dog reach a traffic light. Sit and wait for it to say “WALK” before it crosses.

He eventually follows it to a building. It jumps up and presses an apartment number with it its paw.The door buzzes open and the dog goes in. The man sneaks in behind it.

The dog goes to the elevator and pushes the up button with its snout. They both get into the elevator and the dog presses the button for the 8th floor.

Once there, the dog goes to an apartment door and starts scratching.

An older man opens the door and starts shouting at the dog, telling it how stupid it is.

The man who’s just witnessed how amazing this dog is decides to intervene.“Excuse me! But I think you’re being unfair to your dog. This is the most amazing dog I’ve ever seen. I saw it buy groceries for you, check the change it got was right, get all the way back up here and now you’re calling it stupid?”

The old man replies “Well, this is the 3rd time this week this dumbass forgets his keys!”

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the dead man’s apartment and knocks on the door. His wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

“No problem – I’ll let him know,” says Goldberg.

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for laying the deceased robin to rest.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, and with sonorous dignity, intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.”