Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, ‘What did you steal?’

She replied: ‘a can of peaches.’

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She said she stole six.

The judge then said, ‘I will give you six days in jail.’

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, ‘What is it?’

The husband said ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off to her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s shenanigans, they fell asleep and woke up at around 10 pm.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she complied nonetheless. He proceeded to slip his shoes on and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until now.

The wife glanced down at his shoes and shouted: “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that Nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches.

“See, British soldiers are the bravest.”

“That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.”

“Da, Comrade General!” The Russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. He makes it out and crumples to the floor, dead from his many wounds.

“Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” Laughs the Russian general.

The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.”

He calls one of his men over.

“Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!”

Without hesitation, the American soldier salutes and says “No disrespect, General, but go jump off a cliff!”

“See? Now THAT takes some real guts!”

A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened Paddy ?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home… and guess what I found??

“Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. ‘ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation!

“Well, WHAT is it?” Fumed Pete.

“She never got your E-mail!”

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old fart…” she replied.

“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”