Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?”

“Ummm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”

A young virgin couple is finally wed.

Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

“Pop, what do I do first?”

“Get naked and climb into bed,” his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.

“Get naked and join him,” is the advice from mama, so she complies.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.

“Now what do I do?” he asks.

His father replies, “Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!” is the dad’s advice.

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. “What do I do now?” she asks.

“Well, what is he doing?” mama asks.

“He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”

A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.

He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.

A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.

The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.

He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”

The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.

When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.

He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”

A traveling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse. The farmer says, “You can spend the night but you’ll have to share a room with my daughter.”

The daughter, a gorgeous 20-something, winks at him over her father’s shoulder.

“Oh, I don’t mind that,” exclaims the salesman.

“Just one thing,” says the farmer. “No funny business. If you touch her, I’ll kill you.”

“Oh no sir,” says the salesman. “You can count on me!”

When they’re done, they spend the rest of the night piecing the eggs back together one by one and rebuilding the wall. They couldn’t get the yolks in so they just glued the shells together and threw away the rest.

The next morning, the farmer goes to his daughter’s room and takes a couple of eggs to the kitchen to make breakfast. However, all the eggs he tries turn out empty. When the salesman wakes up, he goes down and is surprised to find the farmer staring out the window at his chickens, holding a shotgun.

“What are you doing?” asked the man.

The farmer continues to stare. “I think one of my roosters is using a condom.”

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’

‘The gold.’

‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’

‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’