Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A couple decide that they need a guard dog.

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.”

“But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua!” the employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.”

The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.

“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog”

“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!”

She pointed to a table, and, again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.

The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”

When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.

“Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled

“Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!”

“Attack Chihuahua, my ass!” she responded

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl aged about six years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked: “Are you a cop?”

“Yes,” I answered, and continued writing the report.

“My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?”

‘Yes, that’s right,” I told her.

“Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me. “Would you please tie my shoe?'”

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening

when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked! Reeling from the shock,

I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat:

“Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!“

Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.

St. Peter: “What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?”

1st nun: “Adam and Eve.”

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St. Peter: “What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?”

2nd nun: “An apple.”

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

And finally it came the turn of the last nun.

St. Peter: “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?”

After a few minutes thinking she says “Gosh, that’s a hard one!”

The lights flashed…

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about two miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the next city to do a show that night and didn’t want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my behind to jail, ’cause there’s no way in hell I can pass that test.”