Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond at the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Ron frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up, he said: “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, “Get me a coffee, quickly!”

It turns out that he didn’t dial the pantry at all.

The voice from the other side responded:

“You fool! You’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”

“No,” replied the trainee.

“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”

The trainee pauses for a moment to think about an appropriate response.

The trainee shouts back, “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!”

“No,” replied the CEO indignantly.

“Good!” replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

It was the beginning of a new academic year at the college, and the freshmen were beginning to arrive.

The job of introducing the newcomers to their new surroundings belonged to the Dean of Women.

During the opening speech of the lecture, the Dean saw fit to bring up the subject of sexual morality, in line with the college’s conservative values.

She asked the freshmen: “In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

The freshmen half-heartedly muttered in agreement, and the lecture went on without interruption.

At the end of the lecture, the Dean decided to ask the freshmen if they had any questions.

One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said:

“How do you make it last for a whole hour??”

A plane left JFK airport toward its destination in Europe without any unnecessary delays. During the flight, while the plane was at an elevation of 13,000-kilometers, a loud explosion was heard.

A traveler named Dave looked out the window of the plane, “God help us!” He shouted, “One of the engines exploded!” The rest of the passengers left their seats and went toward Dave to see what was going on when at that very moment a loud explosion was heard from the other side of the plane. At this point, all the passengers on the plane were in total panic, and even the flight attendants couldn’t calm them down.

At that very moment, Captain John came out of the cockpit, smiling, happy, calm and declared, “Valued passengers, you can be calm, everything is under control and you have no reason to worry.” The captain’s words helped calm things down, the flight attendants managed to restore order, and the passengers returned to their seats. At that time, the captain turned to the door of the plane and began handing out large bags to the crew, who tied them on their backs.

“Hey,” said Dave the passenger, “are you tying parachutes to your backs?” Captain John answered in the affirmative and Dave continued, “Just a second, didn’t you say there was nothing to worry about and everything is under control?” “That’s true, and you have no reason to worry,” the captain replied, and at the same time, a loud explosion was heard from the third engine.

“We’re just going to get help.”

A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door.

He says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”

You can imagine that there’s a man with a woman in bed in that room.

The man asks, “What do you want? Here’s $10. Leave us alone.”

A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”

“Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something.”

The boy goes out with $20.

The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened.

She says: “That’s wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself.”

So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”.

To which the priest says: “Not you again, are you following me around?”