Daily Joke: Jokes Library

My wife and I recently took a trip down Route 66. We took side trips if it looked promising.

On one of these side trips we passed this quaint country store.

Then we kept passing stores similar to that one.

After the third time my wife says out loud, “How many roads does a man have to drive down before he

admits he’s lost?”

A man travels on a ship. Two days in, the ship encounters a storm and drowns. Hanging on weakly to a piece of the mast, he manages to survive and gets washed up on an unknown island. Only problem is, it’s so unknown that no ship ever comes near it.

10 years pass on the island, and the survivor has been alone all this time, that is until one day, he suddenly notices an unusual speck in the distance.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. No ship has ever come.

As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wetsuit.

She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes.

She tells him she has a boat nearby, and she just took a swim. The look of the poor man makes her feel a great wave of pity for him.

“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man.

“It’s been 10 years,” he replies.

With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes.

The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.

“Man, that is good!” he says, sighing in pleasure.

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks.

Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years.

Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask.

The man opens it and takes a swig.

“This is the best day of my life,” he says, grinning.

The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit and looks at the man seductively.

“Now, how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she asks seductively.

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs.

“Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a game of twister in there!”

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna”

The postal worker was touched.

He showed the letter to all the other workers.

Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read: “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

“By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!”

A husband who has been working out as per his new years resolution says to his wife, “Honey, I think I took on too much for a beginner. I’ve decided to break up my workout.”

“Oh?” his wife asked, “How’s the new work-out divided up?”

The husband confidently replied, “Half for you and half for me.”

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.

Barman, he says, “A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there.”

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile.

Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back.

The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar.

“Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf.”

The Nazi looks again at the Jew and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before

“Is that Jew a complete fool or what?” he asks the barman.

The bartender responds: “Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar”