Daily Joke: Jokes Library

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”

Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waved goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy.

They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back.

A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: “Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime.”

Joe: “I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I’ve been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them.”

Rick: “I know, it’s just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with.”

Andy: “I don’t care about the project anymore. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner in months because I’m always stuck working.”

Rick: “Well what can we do? We can’t just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines.”

The guys all agreed Rick was right and continued to work ridiculous hours for the next week.

One day at lunch Andy piped up again.

Andy: “I’m sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night.”

Joe: “I know man. I missed last nights GoT premier and I’m having to avoid everyone who watched it.”

Rick: “I hear you both. I’ve missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it.”

Andy: “You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late.”

Rick: “What!? We can’t do that. If we leave early we will fall behind even more than we already are.”

Joe: “Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus we will get caught and could lose our jobs.”

Andy: “Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does.”

Joe: “I don’t know, Andy. That sounds really risky.”

Andy: “Come on. Don’t you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don’t you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?”

Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement.

Rick: “Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?”

Andy: “I don’t see why not? Rick your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed.”

Rick: “Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them.”

Joe: “So we’re doing it? We’re all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?”

Andy: “Yes. Now let’s finish up lunch and get back to work.”

The three guys went back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave.

Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team.

All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day.

The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work.

Joe all eager from binge watching his favorite shows asked the other guys, “So how was your nights off??”

Rick: “Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy.”

Joe: “That’s great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show.”

Rick: “What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you’ve been missing?”

Andy: “Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I seen Phil’s truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn’t sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely can’t be skipping out early again boys.”

Two socialites are conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion.

The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”

The the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that Ferrari you see parked in the drive.”

Again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman boasted, “Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

The second woman replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cried. “For heaven’s sake, child, what on Earth for?”

“Well, it comes in very handy. For example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a damn,’ I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?’

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak behind a tree.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew and knocked the gun over, to the hunter’s horror, it discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Fortunately for him, some hunters nearby heard his scream and called an ambulance.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

“Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first, please,” said the hunter.

“Well, the good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“What’s the bad news then?’ asked the hunter.

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my brother.”

“Oh no, I mean, at least I’m alright, I feared the worst. I guess it could be worse,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your brother a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly…’ answered the doctor delicately. ‘He’s a flute player in the local symphony. He’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss all over the bathroom.’

One night a man was walking back to his apartment when he was set upon by a masked thief.

Although he wasn’t exactly a martial arts specialist, he immediately decided to fight back.

With arms flailing about, the two men engaged in a fierce battle that saw them rolling about on the sidewalk in full view of passers-by, kicking and spitting and screaming in rage.

Despite putting up a tremendous fight, the man was eventually overpowered by the thief and pinned down. He raised in hands in tired defeat, and the thief wearily turned him around and searched his pockets for the treasure he defended so strongly. He searched the man everywhere, but he found nothing more than a single quarter.

“Hey man, did you put up such a crazy fight just for that?” asked the thief, gasping for breath.

“You can’t have it!” shouted the man.

“You’re a crazy person, get lost,” said the bewildered thief.

“Oh, you just want the quarter? I thought you were after the $500 I’ve got in my shoe.”