12/24/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12246
1. How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm? His sleigh is flown by raindeer
2. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
3. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Stick with me and we’ll go places!
4. Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care!
5. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered!
6. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
7. What did the beaver say to the Christmas tree? Nice gnawing you!
8. What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman
9. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
10. Who is Santa’s favorite singer? Elf-is Presley.
11. What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play? Santapplause!
12. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!
13. Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor? Because he had a low “elf” esteem!
14. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!
15. How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle!
16. What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack!
17. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis!
18. What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet? A mistle-toad!
19. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles!
20. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels!
21. What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery? Welfy
22. What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
23. How did the bauble get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life.
24. Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present’s beneath them!
25. What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!
12/23/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12240
A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round.
She says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”
No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.
Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 am.”
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”
She’s there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse.
Finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?” The lady blushes, and grins. “Well I’m ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”
The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
“Then I’m fifteen minutes late.”
12/22/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12237
A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.
“What would you like for your last meal?”
“I would like a banana please.”
The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric chair.
When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, such an act of divine intervention means you get released.
A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After a while, the same executioner from last time approaches him.
“You again? Dang! What do you want this time?”
“Two bananas please.”
The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There’s no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.
Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.
“Let me guess. Three bananas?”
“Actually yes! How did you know?”
“Too bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry.”
So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.
“I don’t get it,” says the executioner. “I didn’t let you eat any bananas!”
“It’s not the bananas.” Sighed the prisoner. “I’m a very bad conductor.”
12/21/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12233
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.
The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”
The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.”
BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.
Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!”
BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers, the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels.
While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said: “you have one wish left.”
The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the building’s transformation.
The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”
BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man.
Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered
“I bet you wish you hadn’t had me fixed.”
12/20/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12229
A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks. She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.” “Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him in a serious voice: “You go out on another date!”