Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, “That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, “What is it you are waiting for?”

She answered, “THE TEETH!”

Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated.

One is a member of the Gestapo, one is an Imperial Japanese officer and one is a Fascist Italian Commander.

They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated.

The German says, “My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me.”

The Japanese says, “It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture.”

The Italian says, “I’ve had it.”

The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck.

Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood.

The other two ask him what happened.

“Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country,”

Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated.

Three days pass and he returns to the cell.

His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied.

“I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku.”

Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life.

A whole week passes before he returns.

Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by two soldiers.

One of the soldiers jeers, “I can’t believe you guys broke instead of this dago.”

The other two are shocked.

Amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break.

They ask him how he did it.

“I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn’t speak.”

“What do you mean you couldn’t speak?” The others ask.

“They tied my hands behind my back.”

Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can’t be a team player and come.

“I’m sorry Boss,” Said Dave, “I’m just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it seems I know everyone there is to know. Anyone famous at least.”

“What do you mean?!?” Asks the boss with derision. “Who can you possibly know?”

“Name someone famous,” shrugged Dave, “I’ll bet you I know him.”

Amused, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about… Tom Cruise? You know Tom Cruise, Dave?” He smirks.

“Oh yeah boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“President Xavier,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.

At the White House, Xavier spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, let’s have a beer first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“Pope Larry,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’s side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?'”

A priest goes on a fishing trip with a few others and some sailors to help them. A few hours in, he suddenly hooks a very big fish.

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that Bastard!”.

“Hey, mind your language!” says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Bastard fish”.

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.

“Look at this huge Bastard!” says the priest, spotting the bishop.

“Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop.

“No, no that’s what this fish is called,” says the priest.

“Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that bastard and we could have it for dinner.”

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.

“Could you cook this bastard for dinner tonight?” he asks her.

“My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked.

“No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a bastard”, says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that bastard tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!”

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

“Well, I caught the bastard!” says the priest.

“And I cleaned the bastard!” says the bishop.

“And I cooked the bastard!” says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a long moment with a steely gaze, leans back in his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:” You know what? You schmucks are alright.”

A female researcher was writing her thesis about the effects of long army service and sexual function.

In one of her first meetings with war veterans, some still serving, some honorably discharged, she decides to pose a somewhat delicate question.

“Can you please tell me, and don’t be shy, when was the last time you had intercourse?”

Most of them mumbled some embarrassed reply. Only one man, a general, stood tall and said “1956 ma’am.”

The woman, taken back by this answer said “1956?! That long?!”

“Yes ma’am.”

The woman felt terrible for the general, who was actually a good-looking gentleman and decided to break his long dry streak herself.

She invites him to her apartment for dinner after the meeting.

He agreed, and after a nice meal, the two made passionate love for an hour.

Afterward, exhausted, the woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and whispered: “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956…”

The general looked at her confused and said: “Well I sure hope not. It’s only 2330 now!”