Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One night a man was walking back to his apartment when he was set upon by a masked thief.

Although he wasn’t exactly a martial arts specialist, he immediately decided to fight back.

With arms flailing about, the two men engaged in a fierce battle that saw them rolling about on the sidewalk in full view of passers-by, kicking and spitting and screaming in rage.

Despite putting up a tremendous fight, the man was eventually overpowered by the thief and pinned down. He raised in hands in tired defeat, and the thief wearily turned him around and searched his pockets for the treasure he defended so strongly. He searched the man everywhere, but he found nothing more than a single quarter.

“Hey man, did you put up such a crazy fight just for that?” asked the thief, gasping for breath.

“You can’t have it!” shouted the man.

“You’re a crazy person, get lost,” said the bewildered thief.

“Oh, you just want the quarter? I thought you were after the $500 I’ve got in my shoe.”

A polish man married an American girl, and though his English wansn’t very good.

They got along very well.

One day he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:

Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”

Man: “Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”

Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

Man: “It made of concrete.”

Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have real grudge?”

Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”

Lawyer: “I mean what are you relations like?”

Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”

Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

Man: “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”

Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”

Man: “No, I always up before her.”

Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”

Man: “She going to kill me.”

Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”

Man: “I got proof.”

Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”

Man: “She going to poison me.”

Man: “She buy a bottle at a drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.”

Man: “I can read English pretty good, and its say right there: Regular polish remover”

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital.

When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy

standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.

“Looks like 9 pounds,” he offered confidently.

“This must not be your first,” I said.

“Oh, yes,” he said, “it’s my first.”

“Then how would you know the weight of a baby?” I asked.

He shrugged, “I’m a fisherman.”

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files. But still, the firefighters could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Well,” said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, “the first thing we’re gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck.”

Looking for an answer on your voice mail that will leave people hollering with laughter? Look no further, because these voice mail / answering machine message ideas are just hilarious, whether you’ll use them or not!

– “A” is for academics, “B” is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

– Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

– (Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.

– The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

– Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

– Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

– Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

– Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk! )

– (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)

– This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is “supercilious.”

– Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

– I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

– Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? … BEEP

– (Rod Sterling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device… You have reached, “The Twilight Phone”.

– Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today’s commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not… er… Bear a… er…Shalt not witness thy… uh… Neighbor’s, Oh, I mean, false… er…Shalt not commit a bear… Darn…

– I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

– (Recorded directly from AT&T:) The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

– You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

– You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

– Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!