Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates to heaven. In front of them, stands a guardian angel. As the man approaches, the angel greets him and warns him it is not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the fellow religious in life? No? The guardian angel told him that’s bad.

Was he generous? Gave money to the poor? Charities? No? The guardian angel told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? The guardian angel was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, the angel says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”

The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet, and went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.

“Wow”, said the angel, “That’s actually very impressive. When did this happen”?

“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.

A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.

Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him: “Why the long face?”

The salesman replied: “I failed in Saudi-Arabia, the campaign was a total failure.”

“Why is that?” Asked the friend, “I thought you had a good campaign running.”

“Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the saudis. But I had a problem – I didn’t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhustion, he has fainted.

Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.

Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.

I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing them.”

“Terrific! That should have worked!” said the friend.

“The heck it should have!” said the salesman.

“Only no one told me they read from right to left!!”

A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.

The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”

The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”

“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”

Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”

“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”

“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”

“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”

“She devoured it in seconds.”

“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”

“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”

“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”

“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”

The husband took a deep breath and continued…

“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”

“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

“Do you want a bed near the window?”

Some people dream of getting a new job, car, or yacht, but for most of us having a baby boy born is one of the greatest moments in our lives. Yet, for one father, it proved to be a very unexpected delivery room drama.

Walter and Linda were a middle aged couple blessed with two beautiful daughters.

Althoug they fealt incredibly lucky for having their girls, Walter and Linda always yearned for a boy.

They began trying for another baby, and it wasnt long before Linda became pregnant.

Nine months later, they welcomed a baby boy into the world.

Walter was at work when his wife was rushed to hospital, so he got there as quickly as he could.

To his horror, his son was absolutely hideous, especially when considering how beautiful his daughters were.

“How can I possibly be the father of that ulgy baby?” he exclaimed to his wife.

“Its just not possible that I fathered him after we had those two beautiful girls.”

Linda blushed, which made him suspicious. “Have you been fooling around behind my back?” he asked.

“Not this time, honey.”