Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.  After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.  At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!  Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” declared the man with pride. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. He walks up and says, “Hi there, I’m the best musician in the world. For a few dollars I can play any instrument you like”.

So the English guy goes, “Alright then. Play this!” and hands him a guitar.

The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone, and hands the guitar back to him. The Englishman pays up.

The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never heard before – better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever. The Irishman pays up.

Finally, the Scotsman says, “Alright, let’s see ya play this then!” and hands him a set of bagpipes. The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. A couple more minutes and he’s still struggling, and there’s no sound coming out. A couple more minutes and still nothing, so the Scotsman says, “Oh, so can you not play it then?”

And the octopus says, “Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I can get these darn pajamas off.”

A grocery store employee is working in the produce department when a customer approaches and asks to buy half a head of lettuce.

“You can’t buy just half a head, we sell them whole.” says the employee.

The customer responds “Go get your manager, and I’ll ask him.”

So the employee goes to his manager and says “Some asshole out there wants to buy just one half of a lettuce head…”, then suddenly realizes the customer is right behind him, so he turns and gestures “and this gentleman would like to buy the other half!”

After the customer leaves, the manager says “That was pretty quick thinking, where are you from?”

The kid says “I’m from Brazil.”

“So why didn’t you stay there? Isn’t it a beautiful country?”

“Yea, but the place is full of either soccer players or sluts.” Said he kid.

“My wife is from Brazil!” growls the manager.

“Really?” Asks the kid without losing a beat, “What team does she play for?”

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”

Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”