Daily Joke: Jokes Library

I took the family out to eat at AppleBees. The lot was full and I saw a customer come out to leave so I waited 1o minutes for him to pull out and take the spot. Guy pulls out and a car full of young girls just pull in to my spot. You know the type. Well I rolled down my window and told them I was waiting for the space and the driver says “too bad, your name wasn’t on it”. I was livid but just waited for another space and went in and ate.

Girls were at the bar doing shots getting wasted. We enjoyed our meal and paid the waiter. I then asked the waiter if he wanted to make $20. I asked him to go up to the girls, 10 minutes after we left, and tell them they got a call from someone that said that hey had a keyed their car and that they should have parked somewhere.  I DID NOT KEY THE CAR.

I called him about an hour later to ask how it went. He said they all went nuts, screaming and shit and even called the police.

Bonus: Cops came and found no damage to car but noticed the girls were to damage to drive. Cops left and circled back and watched the car. Girls come out, get in car,start the car, and the parking lot exploded in blue light. Busted! GUIs and PDs for all.

I did not know about the bonus till a week later when I went back for a few beers. The waiter recognized me and told me the bonus story, laughing the whole time. Another $20 to the waiter. Best $40 I ever spent and I kept a drunk driver off the streets.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.” He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that w@nk!ng before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.” He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan…

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to w@nk. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.  Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”

He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.” Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.”

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny’s father said,  “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?  Wait until Christmas.”

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.  The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high,  sorry about that … Ask me again some other time.”

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of  the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.  The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room,  and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!”

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench enjoying a cigarette.

A woman stopped, “excuse me young man, but I’ll have you know that those can take years off of your life.”

“No disrespect ma’am, but I’ll have you know that my grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 104.”

“Did he smoke also?”

“No, he minded his own f**king business.”