Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her  to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said “Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s p3n!s.”.

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.

The pro said “That was excellent!!

Let’s try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.”

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.

The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.

The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.

“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.

Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.

The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat.

The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it’s head.

“It’s definitely dead sir”, says the vet.

Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes.

“That will be $1000, please”.

“A $1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead” fumes the man.

“Well”, says the vet, “There’s my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan”.

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, “Son, the house is just gorgeous but it’s really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it’s much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.”

Then she explained to her second son, “Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don’t drive and I really don’t like that driver, so please return the car.”

Next, she went to son number three and said, “Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious.”

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote:”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”

“In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you re welcome to stay here, too.”

Upon reaching 65, Bill decided to retire.
After having him under foot for A few months, his wife
became very agitated with him.

She suggested he go And do something to occupy his time,
like join a club or get a hobby.
Bill obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, “Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.
And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

“What? Are you nuts?
You’re 65 years old and you’re going to start
Jumping out of airplanes?”

“Yeah, look I even got a membership card.”

“Old man, you need glasses!

This is a membership in a Prostitute Club,
not a Parachute Club!”

“Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?
I signed up for 5 jumps a week!”