Daily Joke: Jokes Library

To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, the young  man went up to the roof of his apartment building in order  to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof,  and managed to get a sunburn on his “tool of the trade.”

This young man was determined not to miss this date,  so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped  it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment,
and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner,  after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn  started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured  himself a tall, cool, glass of milk.  He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and  experienced an immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing,  wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed  in the glass of milk.  Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed,  “So that’s how you guys load those things!”

A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.

Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)” said the man.

“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,(No I don’t want suits, I want socks.)” said the man.

“Well, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines, (No I don’t want shirts, I want socks.)” repeated the man.

“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,(No I don’t want pants, I want socks)” insisted the man.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, “Eso sí que es (Now that’s it)!”

“Then why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!?” yelled the salesgirl.

Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”

A woman goes to the supermarket.
She starts walking up and down the aisles.
Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears,
her breasts, and her crotch.
After doing this a number of times a man approaches her
and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no.
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the
beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes
thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, “Head of lettuce.”
Ears. “Two ears of corn.”
Breasts. “Two chicken breasts.”
Crotch: “Fantastic.”

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and  determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker  who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and  the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done  a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by  the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. “Now take off my bra..” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”