Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines  at the casino.

Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone,  she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench  to wait for the other.

Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited and waited.

After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.

“Hey, Trixie,” said Patty, “how’d you do?””Not very good,” came the reply.   “I’ve been waiting here for hours.”

Patty said: “You should have been with me did I ever find a  good machine!  It’s way in the back.  Come! I’ll show it to you . . . you can’t lose!  Ever time you put a dollar in,

you win four quarters!”

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t  seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge  red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,  “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front  of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes  turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,  “By the way, how did you make out?  Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on  the couch watching the Playboy movie channel.

He looked at her and asked,  “Do you think we can still do that?”

“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom.  He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took  off all her clothes in the bedroom.

When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.

“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up,  maybe you could just drop it in!

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well we have the Parthenon.”

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire”.

…and so on and on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!”

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live. He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, “Honey, if there’s anything I can do to make you happy, tell me.” The preacher answered, “You know, dear, there’s that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called “your little secret” in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I’m about to go home to be with the Lord, why don’t you show me what’s in that secret box of yours?”

The preacher’s wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $10,000 and three eggs. “What are those eggs doing in the box?” the preacher asked.
“Well, Honey,” she replied, “every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box. Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.

“And what about that $10,000?”” he asked. “Oh, you see,” she whispered softly, “every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I . . . ummm . . . sold them . . . and put a dollar in the box.”