Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says,
“where the hell have you been?”
“I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?
What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my manhood.”
“What the hell were you thinking?
Why did you get a hundred “dollar bill on your penis?”
“Well, number one,
I like to watch my money grow.
Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money.
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
home and blow a hundred bucks”.

The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before! Marie says, I took lessons.

A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point. The doctor said Wow I have never seen you hit so well before! Marie says, I took lessons.

On the weekend they settled into a nice dinner at home. Marie brings out the perfect plates of Beef Wellington and the doctor says Wow I have never seen you cook like this before! She says, I took lessons.

After dinner she gives him That look and they go upstairs. About 30 minutes later the doctor rolls over and says Wow! That was incredible, amazing, so hot! I want a divorce.

One day, a poor man, who had only one piece of bread to eat, was walking past a restaurant. There was a large pot of soup on the table. The poor man held his bread over the soup, so the steam from the soup went into the bread, and gave it a good smell. Then he ate the bread.

The restaurant owner was very angry at this, and he asked the man for money, in exchange for the steam from the soup. The poor man had no money, so the restaurant owner took him to Nasreddin, who was a judge at that time. Nasreddin thought about the case for a little while.

Then he took some money from his pocket. He held the coins next to the restaurant owner‘s ear, and shook them, so that they made a jingling noise.

‟What was that?” asked the restaurant owner.

‟That was payment for you,” answered Nasrddin.

‟What do you mean? That was just the sound of coins!” protested the restaurant owner.

‟The sound of the coins is payment for the smell of the soup,” answered Nasreddin. ‟Now go back to your restaurant.”

A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention. Over 50,000 blondes attend.

The leader stands on a stage and says, “Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereotyped. We are here today to prove us blondes aren’t dumb! Now may I have a volunteer?”

A blonde steps onto the stage.

“What is ten divided by two?”

The volunteer replies, “Two.”

The leader is dismayed but the crowd cheers,”Another chance!”

A second volunteer is called up. Once again she asks the question and the blonde replies,”T-ten?”

The crowd shouts,”Another chance!”

The third volunteer is called up. After three minutes of thought, she correctly replies,”Five.”

The crowd shouts,”Another chance!”

A guy asked a girl in a university library:
“Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice:
“I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said:
“I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice:
“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy
whispered in her ear:
“I study law, and I know how to screw people”