Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The subway car was packed.
It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind
her and said,
“Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going
to the cops!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss that’s just my pay
check in my pocket.”
“Oh really,” she spat. “Then you must have some job,
because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour.”

My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used that repairman since…
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She is a government employee…..
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’
His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…….

There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and
found herself in a rural area.
She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and
stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
“Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?”
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in
a patient tone:
“Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw.
Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’
a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in,
and that stops ’em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.
“But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am,
is ’cause it’s a horse.”

Little Johnny had not studied for his life science exam.
The teacher in the one room school house was giving
an oral exam.
“What are the four main advantages of breast milk?” she asked.
“No need to boil.” called one student.”
And another?” the teacher questioned.
“It never goes sour.” said another child.
“Correct.” said the teacher.
“It is available whenever is necessary.” called out another.
“Johnny.” she asked. “Do you have the last answer?”
“Sure,” he said.
“It is available in attractive containers of varying sizes.”
He got an “A”.

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

and quite possibly:

4. There’s a reason why you should go with the flow?