Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.

“It’s somethin your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.”

Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out!

They’re a**holes!”

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, “Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens.”

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, “Not too good. All 100 chickens died.” The neighbor said, “Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more.” Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again.

The new farmer says, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.” Astounded, the neighbor asked, “What went wrong? What did you do to them?” Well, says the new farmer, “I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or not far apart enough.”

A man wanted to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party.
So he ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said “put you are getting older but you! are getting better”.
The salesman asked “how do you want me to put it?”
The man said ‘Well…put “You are getting older” at the top and “but you are getting better” at the bottom.’
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were agape at the message on the cake.
It read: “You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!”

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife
walked up behind him and whacked him on the head
with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket
with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’
he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when
she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time
with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked,
‘What the hell was that for?’
‘Your horse called!’

A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.
Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”
He precedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”
The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”
She’s astounded! Why my ears? Looks at these bxxbs! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re all mine! My butt – it’s firm, doesn’t sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”
Clearing his throat once again, he stammers – “Outside when you said you heard someone coming – THAT WAS ME!”