Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.

We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Three nuns died in a car accident. They reached to the gates of heaven but the person who let’s people in said “so I know you are people of the cloth but I decided that I am not going to just let people in, I’m going to give you a test”.

So he goes to the youngest nun and says “who was the first man on earth”. Nun 1: “Adam” a hand reaches out and pulls her in.

He goes to the middle aged nun and says “who was the first woman on earth”. Nun 2: “Eve” a hand reaches out and pulls her in.

He goes to the oldest nun and says “since you are the eldest you are going to get a hard question, what were Eves first words to Adam?” Nun 3: “that is a hard one”. A hand reaches out and pulls her in.

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly
couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.
When the squad got there is was too late and the man  had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that  the bed was a mess.
He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered
and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, “Well, we were in the bed making love
and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating.
I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”

Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’..
but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’?
Where’s that extra penny going?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’
when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,
why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?