Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A guy dies and ends up in hell. He meets Satan who says, “Don’t worry. We actually have a lot of fun here. Do you like to drink?” The guy says, “I love to drink.” Satan says, “Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, wine, all on the house! And no hangovers, so drink as much as you want. The git says, “that sounds great!”

Satan says, “ Are you a smoker?” The guy says, “uh, yeah”. Satan says, “You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. And you can’t get cancer because you’re already dead.” The guy is astonished.

Satan says, “I bet you like to gamble.” The guy replies, “well, I did love casinos.” Satan says, “On Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. And who cares if you lose? You’re dead!”

“And do you do drugs?” The guys is really excited, “of course I do drugs!” Satan says, “Thursday is drug day. You can do all the drugs you want and never get addicted.”

The guy says, “wow I didn’t think hell would be such a great place! What happens on Fridays?”

Satan says, “are you gay?”

The man says, “no.”

Satan says, “oh… you’re not gonna like Fridays then.”

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a trouser snake ?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a trouser snake?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed  some exercise.

You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said.

Try playing a game of fetch.

I can’t play fetch with my dog, the blonde said.

Why not? the doctor asked.

Because, she replied, He can’t throw.

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers. The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day. The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the clouds, counting them, comparing their shapes and colors, and writing down gibberish on an expensive silk paper. At the end, he went to the bey and said: “Sire, there will be no rain this week. If anything, there are risks of drought.”. That made the bey happy and he went along on his journey.

While on the road, he crossed paths with an old hooded man having a donkey. The bey said: “Hey you old thing, can’t you see from the blue of the sky and the heat of the sun that it won’t rain? Why are you wearing a hooded coat?” to which the old man answered: “I thank Your Majesty for the concerns, but you shouldn’t be wearing these summer clothes for it will rain today before sunset. ” The bey didn’t want to waste time there so he just kept on going thinking the old man is crazy.

Obviously, it rained while the bey was midway through. And believe when I say that it was rain like it never rained before since Noah’s flood! The bey arrived tired and soaked to his mistress who couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of the most powerful man in the country in such a poor state. Needless to say that he didn’t get some that night.

Days later when the storm got dissipated and he finally got back to his castle, he fired the wazir and summoned the old man. That man showed up in court with his donkey. The bey didn’t seem to care and said: “Oh wise elder, you managed to predict the rain when even my most educated expert could not. Would you please take his place and become my wazir of weather?”

To which the old man responded: “My King, I cannot accept, for I know nothing of weather. It is my donkey that is mighty for it raises its ears when sun will shine and lay them down when rain will set.”

“I see” the bey said “in that case, it is the donkey that will now be my minister”.

And it is since that day that we tunisians have the custom of having donkeys in the government!

Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils. One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.

Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.

Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.

“Look,” said Mr. Dickson, quite enjoying himself while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little ‘zero’. “This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”

“Ahh, right” said the children.

The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in one hole.”

“Hmmmm,” Mr Dickinson said, “How do you put 7 holes in one? Well, I’ll be darned. I don’t know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”

“Yes,” said Little Johnny, He asked me to tell you, ‘Take a flute and shove it up your ass!'”