Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place – the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

“Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”

“Yes, reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.

The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?”

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road — if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”

The Kosher bakeries motzah machine speed controlled drive system was down and the company was losing $5,000 an hour in profits. They placed an emergency call to their maintenance department, but since it was 3:00 am, Sunday morning, the only repair man available was old Morris.

Old Morris had been with maintenance for over 35 years. In fact he was only two years from retirement. He had seen it all and wasn’t impressed by much.

As old Morris pulled up to the guard shack at the plant entrance, he was waved through and greeted by the plant manager himself.

“Thank goodness you’re here,” he said. “How long will it take you to fix it?”

Now Morris had nothing more than the sketchiest description of the problem but he replied without hesitation, “Oh, about fifteen minutes…. so don’t worry .”

“Great!” replied the plant manager, “My men will show you where the drive controls are and get you anything you need.”

After three hours of testing, reading prints, asking questions, the drive system was still not working. The plant manager became increasingly enraged and accosted old Morris, “I thought you said you could fix this thing in FIFTEEN MINUTES!”

“I can and I will,” replied Morris. “As soon as I figure out what the fuck is wrong with it!”

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was… “In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc. etc.’ It eventually became very annoying.

I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the “Magnificent Niagara”, knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this “Wonder of Water and Power”.

While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes.

It was then I asked him, “Do you have anything like this in Texas?” He waited a moment before he answered, “No, but we have a plumber that could fix it.”

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.

“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”