Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Friday night, Patrick went to his friend Paddy and said “Paddy, I need a favor – I’m sleeping with the bartender’s wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?”

Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Patrick was a lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, “Paddy, what are you really up to with all this?”

Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, “I’m sorry…. my friend Patrick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied.”

The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy`s shoulder, said *”Asshole, I think you’d better hurry home, my wife died two years ago.”

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what’s wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, “What’s going on?” He replies, “I’m having a heart attack.”

She says “I’m going to call 911” and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she discovers the Aunt in the nude, and gives her a tight slap, “How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

A farmer walks into a lawyer’s office and says: “I’d like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees”
“Yes sir, I believe I can help you” replied the lawyer. “Do you have any grounds?”
“Oh shore do!”, exclaimed the farmer, “Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar.”
“No no…, I mean do you have a case?” asked the lawyer.
“No sur,” replied the farmer, “I drive one of them John Deer’s”
“You don’t understand,” said the lawyer, “You need something like a grudge.”
“Oh!!” said the farmer, “I got me one of those! That’s what I park muh Deer in!”
The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, “Sir, you’ve got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?”
“No sur”, replied the farmer, “I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin.”
Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, “WHY do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, well…” replied the farmer, “She says we jus can’t communicate!!”

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, “Watson, what do you see?”

“Stars and the moon, dear Holmes,” he says.

“What does it mean?” Sherlock asks.

“Well,” says Watson. “It quite simply means that there are billions of gaseous balls burning millions of light years away.”

“No, what does it MEAN?” Sherlock asks.

“Well,” says Watson, “it means we are in the Northern Hemisphere based on the visible constellations.”

“But what does that MEAN?” Asks Sherlock.

“Well, astrologers would tell us we are under the sign of Leo, and the planets Jupiter and Saturn are almost in alignment.”

“But WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??!!!”

“My dear Holmes, I’ve given you three different answers. What more could you possible want to know?”

“Watson, you blithering idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’ ‘There’s something wrong with my d!ck’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.’

‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said. The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’

The man replied, ‘You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.’ The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated loudly.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ‘What is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.